5 Guaranteed ways YOU can Pack on the Pounds!

Fat_Albert
I thought it time I wrote about the other side of the coin. It is presumptuous of me to always assume that people who read this blog are only interested in being fit and healthy.

Maybe there are those who actually want to go in the OTHER direction. So, I figured I’d help them out with these 5 simple rules you can use to pack on the pounds:

 

  1. Whatever you do, don’t move! If you have to walk more than one block a day, you’re crazy. Get a pedometer and make sure it stays under 500 feet. And whatever you do, don’t go to the gym!

  2. Skip breakfast. And then only eat 2 meals a day. Eating more often would raise your metabolism, and that is a definite no no. If you can, binge eat at night.

  3. Make sure that what you eat is as white as your music collection: White bread, white pasta, white potatoes, and as much sugar as you can fit into your stomach. Soda is great, fruit juice, cookies, ice cream, cake, pie … it’ll all help you reach your goal!

  4. Don’t sleep more than 6 hours a night. Sleep is when your body builds muscle. You DON’T WANT muscle. It’s raises your metabolism. And that’s bad

  5. Drink Alcohol everyday. In fact, make sure you drink it at night. And drink as much as you can. (You’re doing it for your heart, right). Alcohol is great at impairing sleep. While it helps you fall asleep, it prevents you from entering into a deep sleep. This is great! Deep stage 4 sleep is when that nasty muscle building happens … gross.   We don’t want that.

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